You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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