I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
