So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
