All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
