Umm I'm too high to move.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
