Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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