U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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