Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
and she was petting her beer can
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
