it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
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I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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