new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
