from now on my penis is your penis
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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