Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
