my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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