I am midnight drunk by noon
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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