Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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