Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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