two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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