guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
