how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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