i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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