Well apparently he's into motor boating.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
