i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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