I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
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i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
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We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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