She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
