Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
