found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You took a bar mat shot.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
We're too hungover to prance.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
