I accidentally burped into my bong.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Everyone says I win the strip club
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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