Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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