Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
