My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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