Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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