Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
