The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
