Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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