apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
