Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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