my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
