I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I cut my penus on the lid.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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