i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
