I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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