I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
