just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
