I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
