Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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