I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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