I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
