at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
