So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
