I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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