She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
i now understand why vodka
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
