My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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