She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
