I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
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all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
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Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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