My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
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Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
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If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.